listen. just hotwire a car, take off the license plate, make up a new one on a sheet of paper and go the speed limit. i do it like, at least 3x a week.
Just got a lapdance on the metro. She said she was on maternity leave and needed the practice.
She just said, "are my livers going to die?"
ambylanc
what?
there was an amgbulance. iw ish i was in it.
He used his one phone call to tell me not to let anyone drink all his vodka until he could bail himself out.
we have to top last new years. except im not ready for jail. that can wait a couple years
I am way too attached to fictional lesbians.
Im the proud new owner of the campus speed bump sign
stef broke her leg trying to vault over the coffee table. these olympics drinking games are going to fucking kill us
My parents just told me that if I stop drinking I could do something great with my life...
They obliviously haven't seen you dance on top of a pool table then
What part of don't open in front of your kids didn't you understand? Astroglide, magnums, fuzzy handcuffs and a blindfold are going to be hard to explain as friends presents.
You've never felt ridiculous until you've walked through downtown in a Viking costume
Getting dome in the backseat of a friends car with Ariana Grande playing in the background was probably the most romantic part of my night
Jesus tap dancing Christ rock out with your cock out is supposed to be just an expression. And even if it weren't no one wants pics bro.
If I don't get struck by a lightning bolt from God by midnight it will be a Christmas miracle.
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