babies were throwing up all over the place
so he let me use one of the toothbrushes that came in his daughters 4 pack, purple glittery toddler toothbrush, the next time i came back his wife has used their label maker and put my name on it...
We need to talk about our relationship.
I just won a bet involving 10 tequila shots. You've got about 3 minutes
Sonogram pictures belong on a fucking fridge...NOT FACEBOOK!!
The bar posted my picture because my name changes with each new fake i get. i'm getting a wig.
Dude's from Puerto Rico. Majoring in Spanish is like us majoring in drinking with a minor in watching Forgetting Sarah Marshall.
He got violent drunk so we have to untie him in the morning. He's in your basement and you're out of electrical tape. Don't forget because I will.
Know what's awesome? Flying a mini helicopter while you shit.
As soon as he came we went to Dairy Queen. That drive through lady was very condescending about our "just fucked" ice cream.
Looking through last night's sexting, realized one is a haiku..
Chilling on my porch debating between pre work drinking or video games and getting high.
the straight edge chick smoked with me, because according to her my bowl is pretty
You think I'll get the "I used to stick it to your daughter" discount?
I'm 4,715,723% sure I don't give a fuck.
Last night you dunked donut holes in spinach dip, ate it, threw up, and continued eating. I cant keep up with your drunk eating skills.
I was wondering where the donuts went.
Randomize
