Food network will be on but we won't be watching
O by "watching" I mean "background noise"
So when jo picked me up from the bar I kept apologizing and kept telling her "I'm just a wittle donut"
When the moon hits your eye like a big pizza pie, you're a dumbass
never have i ever had a craving for dick this badly
he just stuck his car key in my belly button, made car starting noises and pretended like i was revving my engine?
my cabbie only has one arm...this can't be safe
Just threw up at the bar from the heat. Fun change of pace.
She's popping painkillers like they're tic tacs and singing the soundtrack to dreamgirls. It's you're turn to babysit her.
I puked walking onto the plane. How do you think my post-Birthday hangover went?
I almost bumped into a man wrapped only in a blanket at 10 am
I can tell right now that knowing you will either be really fun or ruin my life
i liked you for your lack of ambition and abundance of weed
He brought me Plan B in the snowstorm.
A+ 👏🏼
Slammed 3 beers and just bowled a 129\nI guess alcohol IS the answer
There is a moment when you wake up with a butt plug in when you question your choices in life.
There is also a moment when you wake up in a kiddie pool of jello cubes where you question what the fuck you did last night. Are you still in the attic or did you go home.
Randomize
