you didnt know i had herpes?
A guy in a sombrero stopped to take a picture with me sitting on the curb.
You totally drew a penis wizard on my closet that says "I travel for cock rock"
You seemed more interested in the queso dip than you were in the hand job
I definitely recall eating shredded cheese out of the bag while you were wearing that apron.
he got kicked out of the bar for falling asleep on the mechanical bull.. then freaked on us cause we wouldnt go to the strip club with him
Technically he's married but he says it's "not like that" even tho his wife lives with him. Not sure if I believe him but I'm sleeping with him anyway.
You are a piece of meat with a side of awesome to me.
Well for decently drunk, in the woods, last-person-i-should-be-hooking-up-with sex, i thought it was pretty good.
This is not 2004 anymore. It's not acceptable to get fingered while watching 'Ferngully' in a basement full of your friends.
MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! I REPEAT, MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL! I LITERALLY NOW HAVE TO CANCEL ALL OF MY WEEKEND PLANS.
Wife and kids came home early...naked passed out covered in chili cheese Fritos dad will haunt them forever.
strip teases shouldnt end with an expensive car covered in salsa and mayonnaise yet here we are
Apparently I was drunk enough to call he police station and ask if there was a problem with me.
I feel like that japanese guy who ate all the hotdogs. Except replace hotdogs with sailor jerrys. And instead of a trophy and world record I just get a hangover at work
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