Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
there should be a rule- if you jizz on it, you wash it
Red Bull/Vodka? You bet I'm showing everyone my penis tonight.
just had sex with a midget and didnt wrap it... were totally gonna have a tv show :)
i just called corporate taco bell to ask about the life span of a chicken burrito.
Nothing says "This dudes gotta go" better than a boner on your back waking you @ 5 in the morning
He passed out mid-signature
Ordered weed last night from the delivery service, and who showed up...my old real estate broker. He said, "this is less stressful." Duh.
Sit down my child. It's time you were told of my famous loss-of-virginity story entitled, "The Penis that Never Could."
Partying with them is like having your dick stapled to your left nostril
You pissed off the back deck while listening to the national anthem from your phone screaming America Fuck Yea to my neighbors
The smell of mosquito spray completely ruined the sex.
Please tell me how the stripper got back to Sarah's from the trailer park
I just got a text from a guy. The python is ours if we want.
There way too many people in that club who have had their dick in me
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