I need to find out who his wife is so I can fuck her before he gets to mine.
I saw your purple underwear in the road this morning.
And i generally try not to roofie people when I'm in a committed relationship.
well he's currently spooning the coffee table
just snorted lines off a mancala board. I'm destined to win this game.
My mom just said we needed to put weed into our earthquake kit.
I'm ashamed of you 12 hours later and 200 miles away
I texted him that I wanted to be more than fuck buddies so when I came over he gave me a punch card. He takes me I dinner every 10 fucks.
Come make me food. I feel like if I go in the kitchen I will just get Gin.. and pass out in there.
Tell me again why I left before the topless cake fight
For the first time in my life, I may be the most normal person in the room.
Update: I am definitely the most normal person in this room. And the least tattooed.
I didn't know how to commemorate his death, so I snorted a fat line off of his obituary. Rest in peace.
Imagine how different my life would be if I could find a man who gave me more pleasure than pizza at 2am when I'm drunk.
I've never seen anyone as high as you were.. you collapsed onto the kitchen floor hugging a tub of ice cream. You named it phil.
I remember her making the first martini but the rest of the weekend is a blur of vodka, high heels and sex toys.
First time being used by a cougar. Definitely okay with it
Randomize
