the cashier at riteaid just made the sign of the cross before he rang up my pregnancy test. now i know god is on my side
woke up to an overdrawn credit card. did you order the dawsons creek boxset last night?
i hope so.
he literaly had industrial grade plastic underneth his blankets
My therapist told me it was ok for me to "take risks" now. Cue the hookers and blow.
He said to me this morning that we should finish these beers, go and get plan B then on the way back, go to the pub to celebrate the death of our baby. I love Manchester.
I also witnessed that same parrot perched on the head of a man grinding with a girl.
Interesting. As a girl I don't know how okay I would be with that.
She seemed pretty into it.
Im officially canceling McCormick Monday. I got a raise.
Sooo grey goose Tuesday?????
With a few pieces of metal and duct tape and a bong was created
Its like a match made in avoid-eachother-because-we're-antisocial-and-awkward heaven
Well I'm sleeping with two of them cause they have nice cars. And the third cause she has a big rack. I'm just really waiting for it all to blow up in my face so I can find a girl I'm actually interested in
The best part of Easter was watching all his colorblind cousins try to find the eggs.
Why am I a human magnet for the worst dicks of the world?
So you're saying that I ended up challenging a dude to Uno then proceed to punch them in the face?
Despite how often it occurs, I have absolutely no interest in having sex with myself
I can’t believe you’re letting her use the Mercedes
It seemed like a better idea while she was giving me a hand job. It’s a good thing we weren’t having sex. Who knows what I would agree to during sex
Randomize
