This is not my ceiling
i was puking in the toilet, he walked in and to talk to me and started puking in the sink.. Could this be my perfect man??
New drinking game watching teenage mutant ninja turtles movie and drinking every time raphael says damn, someone says april or ms oneil, and shredder appears And every time we see a mustache
he cracked the bottle of jager at 11am and said "hey, its Saturday and I gotta do something"
I just peed on my pajamas. Its gonna be a long night. Don't forget the cookies.
Dude I think I was making out with the cat last night
I don't have a cat..?
Well nonetheless. Whatever it was purred when I used tounge.
Also I may have a condom stuck inside me, but I won`t know til I check the couch coushions.
Fucking finally I'm about to die from sobriety over here
I can only use one eye at a time. And if I want to listen, I have to close both of them.
And if it ever comes down to tax or healthcare benefits we can get married
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
So I'm not dead, but close call. I think I can handle one more bar.
Girl re-adjusts bra, no one bats an eye. I re-adjust nuts, everyone stares.
You tried to steal my pants at 3am saying they were yours and somebody was gonna die, not cool dude
The last person that asked me out got pushed down an escalator
I didn't realize how hungover I was until I fell asleep in my math lecture, and woke up I'm my history class. How is got there still remains a mystery...
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