They totally botched my boob job. My tits look like they're are winking.
Sometimes when I see pregnant women, I wonder what position they were in when they got knocked up. Then I gag a little.
let me put this in terms we both understand. he was the crunchwrap supreme of men--the perfect combo of all things manly, gooey and delicious. and ready for instant enjoyment.
Just passed a guy passed out on a riding lawn mower in his front yard.
If I come back covered in mud topless and banging on your door, please have a warm towel ready for me
first one here with a pint of chicken lo mein, aspirin, and diet green tea ginger ale, gets a full effort bj the day after tomorrow.
I make one hell of a fire on Ambien. Other life choices not so much. But fire. Fire I can do.
He left his boxers here. Can I keep them and make a shrine or would that be creepy?
I round house kicked her emotions in the face
What if for Halloween I paint my self gold and make sandwiches for everyone? I'd be a trophy wife! Get it?
you said you wanted to call me grandma and give me hugs
Nothing says I'm committed to you for all eternity like letting him wear crocs to the wedding
I accepted my type is not "conventionally attractive" when she asked me "Him? Are you sure?" 5 times in front of him last night
Yea I went out in footie pajamas and still got laid. Good night for u?
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like running into your ex boyfriend at the liquor store at 3 in the afternoon.
Randomize
