My morning has consisted of lying in a fetal position, eating a whole tub of ben and jerry's, talking to my cat, and setting all of our pictures on fire. Does that answer your question?
I just farted. And everybody around me is looking at the fat girl to my left. I win.
The fact that I am sitting home writing a resume while you're out inducing vomiting makes me feel like way more of an adult than I'm ready to be.
not exactly restoring sanity, but he is throwing up on the national mall right now
They're pole dancing on a handicap sign post.
Fuck going to see The Hunger Games tonight. The only thing I'm hungry for is some dick. Let's go to the bar.
I'm calling it the Friendlationship with Benefits Zone.
Ripped as fuck driving to get a portrait of my cat tattooed on my arm
Im gonna take a shit then figure out how to be better at basketball
Haha he was not a poor little guy. If he'd talked to me or something I might feel bad. But since I saw him groping other girls as well as myself there's no sympathy coming from me
He's just picking out the right girl. I do the same thing with fruit. Grope them, squeeze them, smell them. I have to know I'm getting quality fruit.
my roommates tied me up with rope and duct tape then left me outside the door to the hot girls' suite on my floor, knocked on the door and ran away leaving me there with a sign that says free
you really need to remember next time not to write your name and phone number on the paper its wrapped in.
But what if it got lost?
its illegal. you dont want people to contact you if they find it.
I bet you there is porn for people who get off on someone rubbing Chipotle on themselves
Sorry about peeing on your phone last night
So my dad just asked, "did you leave without pants a lil bit ago?"
Randomize
