Please, let me fuck your mom
woke up at my desk with a paper in front of me that says "people stranded on islands love having wet dreams" what the fuck happened last night
okay, I promise to stop paying strippers to hit you
Sorry I forced you to take an adderall at 1am and then proceeded to dance to Lose Yourself outside of Qdoba.
I seriously think my heart may fail. And I didn't even grab a toilet beer :(
I guess the study abroad went badly, I gave him a joint and he just smoked it and cried all the way from the airport
Tequila pump. I'm ecstatic your engineering degree has real world application.
Do the molecules within bourbon change when mixed with a cola to form a superior liquid treat?
Then again, he has huge mansions.
*manboobs.
Can you help me get ready before work? I need a look that says I'm-happy-to-help-but-I'm-hungover-so-leave-your-attitude-at-the-door-because-I'm-not-taking-anyone's-shit-today.
I threw up in a wendys bag in her car. when i went to throw it out the window it exploded all over me. No I don't think there will be a second date.
You just wait. When you see me foam roll naked, you're going to lose your mind.
Um I got a ride home from the bar with two random boys and one tried to bang me on my parents riding mower
My roommate just angrily told the cat he should have knocked, but that's not lockdown madness. They're always like that.
This is my life. Currently ordering a gift for my straight married girlfriend's husband from my lesbian married girlfriend.
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