just threw up in the bushes outside my lecture hall. sometimes i hate the freedom college gives you.
so i just realized i am an alcoholic. I was making some tomato soup because im still sick, and put vodka in it. sad huh? lets go out!
She is the perfect woman. She cooks, gives good head and doesn't care that I have a small penis.
Oh my god I just remembered I bit a stripper last night.
Dude I really need to stop drinking. I chugged a whole bottle of ketchup last night.
Stolen hampster on my tits. Don't tell me I don't know how to party.
Best oral ever, hands down so to speak. but I'm starting to want to meet that lesbian truck driver he says he's better than. Just for comparison purposes of course.
I've decided I'm going to drink again. More. Day drinking. Night drinking. Everything. It's the responsible thing to do since I'm not pregnant
Just woke up from a first date on the futon watching Arrested Development by myself, him cuddling another chick in his room. Simultaneously the best and worst one night stand in history.
Bonus: took me 2 hours to get home on the streetcar cause I spent my cab money on drinks for his friend last night.
But I do cardio so I don't get winded during sex really it's not like I'm trying to lose weight
If I learned anything from that one time I saw the last 10 minutes of oprah when they talked about the secret, it is that you project what you receive back. I also have wine.
Side Note: Everyone in my office is getting engaged and having baby showers. And I'm all like, fuck your joy, I just want more string cheese in my life.
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
someone stole my phone at the bar last night, naturally, it led to me waking up in the bartender’s bed
I JUST PETTED A FUCKING SQUIRREL. A SQUIRREL.
Randomize
