There's a technique?! I just slide my tongue around
Turns out he's not gay. He just didn't know how else to say he's not into me. He just hit on my sister.
she was sure she was an eel. She spent 40 minutes sliterhing on the floor to get to her room
I need a $60 an hour job, because I have a $50 an hour drinking habit.
Jason and steven are boiling shrimp in the microwave again
You know what I'm hearing? Blah, blah, blah, I have pneumonia, blah, blah, blah, I'm a quitter. COME OVER AND PUT YOUR PENIS INSIDE ME.
Apparently drunk me was getting hit on and i wasn't into it so i shouted "Stupify" at him like i was fucking harry potter then went to the pizza place next to the bar and punted some guys pizza box out of his hands. :(
Yeah, I only wore tennis shoes under the gown. Way cooler than khakis and a shirt, but much more awkward when my parents wanted to go to dinner immediately after the ceremony and my grandmother started to unzip the gown. Stopped her before it was too late, but barely. My dad just rolled his eyes.
When he couldn't get it up, he handed me a beer, put his clothes back on, and said "try again tomorrow."
My rule for unemployment is that I can't smoke before noon.
I haven't gotten up before 1 though, so it hasn't really impacted me.
I'm gonna write a book. Almost Awesome: all the times I ALMOST got laid.
69'd by candlelight when the power went out.
i now regret my decision on turning down your offer of sex in the backseat
I seriously just rolled a joint on my high school diploma. I feel like I've come so far.
I just broke into my house with a butter knife. It kinda scares me just how easy that was.
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