Haha na a cat just ran under your car. Howd that happen?
Probably a woman cat. Doesnt think things through
My cousins just decided to make a catapult to spread my Grandpa's cremated remains. I love my family.
Is it bad that Pitbull has taught me more Spanish than high school did?
I'm not upset with you; I'm upset with Fox News.
I dont even clean my room anymore .. i drunk proof it for when i come back smashed with a guy
Oh no it's bring yor chld to work day...I'm too drunk for this
he put on The Eye of the Tiger while she was in labor.
Judging by the amount of alcohol multiplied by the amount of her exes here, tonight will be ending in tears.
He's so young, I keep getting a mental image of him in footie pajamas. It's cute but it's wrong. Or is it?
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
it's all fun and games til I text you in last nights clothes with a head bleed
When a best friend shows up on a tricycle with a case a beer and goes "get on loser" you get on, because there is a magical adventure afoot
Long fucking story. But hey I got an orgasm and breakfast so I'm winning.
Alas, I cannot find a male suitor sharing my affinity for sport culture who will both manhandle me and treat me with the respect a young Hillary supporter wants and deserves
Soooooooo high. David tried to rinse the water droplets out of the sink for 5 minutes
Randomize