When the moon hits your eye like a big pizza pie, you're a dumbass
I woke up at 5 this morning face down on my bed with gummy bears stuffed in my leggings. Yeah.
One person in the car. Three blizzards. Alot of judging.
She just sat there, all alone, with a bottle of booze. And the dog. He even looked like he didn't wanna be there with her.
Dipping doritos in ranch. Why doesn't he love me?
How did I end up in the pool?!
Welcome to ASU
yea last night was a repeat of newyears...exept this time it ivolved a fish costume, throw up, a hole in the roof, and cops...lots of cops
i swear, you were born with a blunt in one hand and somebody else's wallet in the other.
I am here to underwhelm you with my vagina
I'm instituting a new rule. If you wake me up at 3am about wrinkled blankets, I get to throat punch you
How is it that I've hooked up with not one but two guys in the children's section of a bookstore tonight?
As the bouncer was escorting you out, you yelled "keep your filthy dick beaters off me!"
It takes a special kind of Adderall to make me go to the hardware store, buy paint, and paint tiny polka-dots on all four of my bedroom walls.
I just turned down the best booty call of my life because I have to make a cheesecake. I guess this is growing up.
Hey. I hope you have enough room in your car for me and a Honda civic front bumper.
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