Nothing says "You're all grown up now" like setting up your 401k with shitty underwear.
The kid taped his penis down so that he wouldn't get a boner while dancing with girls. Oh these middle school man whores never cease to amaze me.
I never thought I would say the free bottle of grey goose was the problem but it was
I think he's on the stoner protein diet. I just saw him, at 3 am, spreading mayo on a slice of deli ham and sprinkling salt on top.
Ill give you a 4 hour blow job if you make my nephew go to bed.
My lower body still feels like its been through a garbage disposal and a trash compactor. In that order.
Do you always skip to "Baby Got Back" when fat girls show up at the bar?
And I'm sorry for punching you in the face when I drunkenly threw my sandwich
Had to walk of shame past Westminster Abbey this morning. Pretty sure a Japanese tourist took a photo of me.
Would it be irresponsible to use my tax refund for a boob job?
Yes. Highly encouraged though.
If you keep giving me that glorious dick ill bake you some cookies
I'm drunk. And I'm alone. Eating chicken fingers in my underwear. I'd say life is grand.
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
i think she learned that just cuz half shots were easier, doesnt mean she can have triple as many.
I don't want to go to sleep. I like partying with myself.
Randomize
