my ass just sighed. even my farts are tired.
The bouncer said he wanted to but BBQ sauce on my legs. That Mystic tan has already paid for itself.
she said 'i love fried rice', threw a condom at me and passed out naked.
Funny. I made out with his brother for the first time in a bathroom too.
I have no idea what's going on.... I just want to wear my horse sweatshirt and drink vodka.
there is nothing ok with the fact that that was the 4th time i peed in the same parking ramp
I thought that wasn't a thing ever since she showed you her vag on the dance floor
We have a nice shopping list..vibrators and roller blades
Priorities
You peed on a pole and declared to a cop that it was your pole and yelled at him to not even look at it, and then yelled at all of us for looking at it.
This electrician is just ripping my house apart and I'm too hungover to ask questions
fyi, pepper spray hurts. whoever comes up with the best backstory wins a prize.
he said he was going to fuck me like a rabbit in heat. What he should have said was faster then a train and over before a commercial
why the fuck is there hamburger meat in the toaster. i repeat: WHY THE FUCK IS THERE HAMBURGER MEAT IN MY NEW TOASTER
Ughh I think I'll just sit here in the dark and wallow in self-pity while drinking wine and knitting scarves for my future cats.
Just saw a commercial for non alcoholic baileys cream. WHAT THE HELL IS THE POINT?!
Randomize
