I am sleeping on the floor in your room so if you have sex in here just don't roll on me
Just heard the new 'We are the world' ... Can I get my 10 bucks for Haiti back?
I fell asleep to him stroking my ass calling it his precious.
I don't even know where to begin....there's queso sauce and public hair stuck to everything
I knew it was time to stop when you guys were playing a drinking game called "every three steps take a drink"
When I'm famous, she'll look at her kids and go "I saw her buttcheeks beefore she was famous. I'm truly blessed."
That's just weird. That doesn't make sense sexually at all. I mean, you might as well tape a pen to the tip and try and write your name while you're at it.
ted dressed as a cardinal led an expedition across campus. i felt like one of the 12 apostles.
He was so high he started playing Twister on the striped rug. Then when we missed midnight he went on a screaming rampage about his New Year's Eve being meaningless. How do you think it went?
Should probably stop going into the gas station to look for the most normal person to hitch a ride with to drive me to a party
I woke up naked in her room. More precisely, I woke up naked in her room with her and her sister laughing at my penis. I hate my life.
You kicked my dad IN THE NUTS right when he walked in.
Sorry, man. Thought he was a cop.
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
I used my mad pharmacist skills to turn ordinary birth control into morning after. I think my professors would be proud.
It's a Saturday night and I am in bed with two cats, a bottle of Riesling, and I'm masturbating to Iron Man. I'm great at being 21.
Randomize
