I look better un-naked...
just balanced a champagne glass on my gut. thanks to beer im a living breathing tempur-pedic mattress.
you kept shouting how the only tree you would hump is an elm tree because they're under populated
I never want to hear the words unlimited shots for boobs in the same sentence ever again.
I sold weed for gas money to get home. I thought that's what college was for.
You were stoned out of your mind. We were eating cold cuts and you wouldn't shut up about how it was the wettest meat you'd ever felt in your life.
after he went down on me he said he wanted an air freshener for his car scented like my vag. i cant even.
the liver wants what the liver wants
When we were all out of beer you took a bite out of the cardboard beer box and said "close enough."
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
Literally just sitting around waiting for someone to come along and fuck my chakras back into alignment
THERE IS A DOG IN THE CLUB. I repeat a dog in the club. I might have laid down and petted it..I have no shame.
Wait... why were you finger painting at one in the morning?
I’m pregaming Christmas shopping with grandma. What’s up?
she has no right to get mad at us for drinking during the wedding. she's the one that chose the bridesmaid dresses with pockets.
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