I'm not even planning on drinking that much tonight.. but I'm writing "emergency contact number" and your number on my hand just in case
After watching Cinemax for a few months, real porn just grosses me out.
she said she didn't want to sleep with me again because I wasnt a generous lover. I ignored her slight moustache, didnt i? i think thats pretty damn generous
Sorry you called when I was puking in a cheetos bag
I will accept it in the form of tooth necklace but if you have better ideas I am open to suggestions.
Will give head in exchange for a Netflix password. Serious inquiries only please.
Getting stoned and sitting front row in a legal class.. Not my best idea
And I wasn't prepared because its been a very long and lonely season and I wasn't expecting to find dick at Press Box trivia night....
Also I'm sorry for asking you to shave my vagina for me last night
Do you know how hard it is to put a bandaid on a vagina?
Why can't you just come over, fuck me, then leave so i can get stoned and watch law and order?
NOT ALL OF US HAVE THE HANDS OF GODDAMN ANGELS YOU KNOW
Speaking of lightening speed, he ate me out while I was watching The Flash. If that's not winning at life idk what is
Your mom has reinvented the use of a ping pong ball.
Guys I ate pizza off the fucking ground of the cab. I am the worst type of person
Randomize
