Happy Easter!!!
I'm an idiot
Bleh. If he hadn't ascended into heaven and sat at the right hand of the father, Jesus would be rolling over in his grave right now.
You just kept yelling "SATAN!" at me every time I walked by
The streak lives on, still havent been to Towson without throwing up
Contrary to what I yelled at them last night, it turns out campus police CAN arrest people...
he aimed his bare ass at the sparkler, farted, and it really did work...i love 4th of july anal fire works
Thanks for the drunken voicemail of bird calls. Love and miss you, too.
The liquor store guy just accused me of buying alcohol of minors due to how many bottles I got. The guy should be used to this from me.
I feel like I grabbed someones dick last night, & if I didn't I'll be disappointed in myself
My old dealer would be proud of the drug cocktail I just took for my back pain.
My morning started with my mom giving me the number for a substance abuse councellor. How's your day going?
I found where he bartends and I guarantee you that in approximately nine months from this Friday, you will have a niece
Listen. The next time my first idea in the morning is "hometown buffet and a water bottle full of captain morgan", please make me go back to sleep.
You said you're gonna end your night with a six pack and awful erotica
I may have passed out and puked all over the host's favorite couch, but three hours and a rip later, I was eating tiramisu in the bathtub with the birthday boy and a hot Italian.
Randomize
