Katie Perry lied, you can't just wake up and shake the glitter off your clothes.
I just chased the everclear with Listerine...I think I found my new chaser!
She was crying and singing Taylor Swift on repeat. I'm never drinking with her again.
It's the foolproof way to identify who didn't get laid last night
Look you found him on craigslist. You should be happy that he at least HAS a normal looking dick.
Just had a memory of you pretending to be a begging dog putting your head on my lap while I fed you. Great night to try a new drug.
History professor is at the bar. Hurry! There's only so many A's he could give before it starts to look bad.
Now I get the fucking shakes every time I hear I'm Sexy And I Know It. Thanks, Captain Morgan.
I remember nothing except the fact it happened and I ate doritos and we highfived a lot
It was a taxi full of fist pumps and chanting to "face down, ass up". It was that 1% that makes my job worth it.
Why did I just find out you and Andrew had sex right next to my face when I passed out on the beach?
At the time it seemed romantic and its also extremely frowned down upon to leave a passed out person by themselves in an unfamiliar place.
Why did I wake up by myself then?
My now ex hook up buddy realized I was hooking up with others when she saw my spotify sex playlist making appearances on fb. fml
In other news, I woke up still drunk and I think I literally just broke the Guinness book of world records for most bloody Mary's in one day...
just like fucking own it. stare that cop in the eye and just keep masturbating "yeah motherfucker Im high as shit and this feels great"
I had to dust off the condom box before she came over..
Randomize
