i just got a UPS package from a name and address i dont know, with one of my thongs in it. no recollection.
So i'm in mason getting an ultrasound.. and there are a bunch of hicks in here with their wild ass children and this one young mom yells at her kid "harley sit!"
You should introduce yourself as garth. As in garth brooks.
This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
She just messaged me 19 sad faces.
They are baked and once again have spent the last 45 mins talking about opening up a world wide business called "pickle on a stick"
Fucking freshmen need to learn how to puke in the bushes outside the dorm and not in the fucking elevator.
I looked at you and you stared at me dead in the eyes then sprayed febreze at your crotch and winked.
im never drinking wine from a person in a wet suit and goggles ever again.
I stole a fireplace last night.
Operation "Inform her family she stars in a sadistic lesbian porn film" is in full effect. She picked the wrong guy to cheat on.
Any day that has a special name thats capitalized means you need to need to call in sick and get day drunk. That's why they are there.
You're a five foot adderall and caffeine fueled ball of sexual frustration and suppressed rage. It's only a matter of time before you snap. We're taking bets on when.
Just walked by a girl saying to her friend "honestly you coulda given me any dude and I woulda fucked him"
You should've introduced yourself
in other news i got caramel vodka poured on me. upside, i smell amazing
I left my parents and ran through the airport. I was like I'm not getting stuck in Atlanta tonight and not having sex.
Randomize
