There are just some things I refuse to put in my mouth.
he left me a note this morning. it said "thank you for letting me touch you"
How do you get mayonnaise out of... well jesus it's everywhere, let's start with carpets
I am never taking advice from you again. The high heels in the shower were a bad idea. I orgasmed and almost drowned.
Gin and redbull in a wine glass. They think I'm keeping my wits with a really yellow Chardonnay. Gonna get ugly after a couple.
I'm glad I booty called you last night. It was nice to see you and talk, in between all the sex...
YOU'RE CHANGING THE SUBJECT. I CAN BLOW SOMETHING UP OR I CAN TELL HIM YOU LOVE HIM, BUT ONE OF THE TWO IS BOUND TO HAPPEN
I just gave my mom some ones that look like they've probably been in some strippers cooter. Oops.
Haha. Just tell your mom not to smell them
Hey mom, most of this money I'm giving you is in ones. Don't ask why and whatever you do don't smell them.
Sounds legit to me.
Then years and years after that I will send you a picture of my warped vagina from all the kids that I had.
making my breakfast out of the pot brownies we made last night. Safe to say it's time to go grocery shopping.
I'm like 'WOMAN, YOU'RE 62, RESHEATH THOSE COUGAR CLAWS.'
The fact that the praying hands are in my top emojis defines how 2016 is going so far
You'd be proud. Took my birth control today at 12:30 with a Budweiser. Guy across the bar saw and held his bottle up to salute me 😂
IT'S FUCKING BABY SEASON ON FACEBOOK. MY VAGINA WANTS TO THROW UP
I woke up uncovered, spread eagled to my dad saying "you really need to stop sleeping naked."
Randomize
