it was like brushing your tongue but with a fucking long toothbrush.
The only word I understood in that whole setence was semen.
so, does the "dick the size of your forearm" thing run in the family then?
The chick got into the cab with us and said we have 3 chances to guess what she just stuck up her ass. Hello to you to!
There is a drunk marine passed out on my porch. Mandy wouldn't sleep with him, Can you please come remove him?
It's been so long that I've occasionally forgotten I own a vagina
Oh god. I asked to "play his sexaphone" which I though was a super sex way to say "let me blow you". He fucking walked home at 4:30am
It is a sign that I need a fresh start when Kelly Clarksons new album tells the story of my life.
Wanna play whack-a-mole in my pants?
Your word choices worry me.
She dresses like Bruce Banner and fucks like the Hulk. She is all of my lesbian fantasies come true.
See if shell let you call her dr banner in bed
Life hack: hotbox while in the car wash. It'll change your life.
yeah it's a weird friendship. we pretend that we're automatic besties but i know we both know i slept with her boyfriend
It happend again, swimming on the floor... Vodka is my friend
We could just go to Vegas and celebrate my singlehood and not contributing to the population.
Yoooooo, the fat magician married the chick I dumped a beer on after I got pissed he was flirting with her in front of me
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