I've been congratulating people on facebook about their forthcoming pregnancies. I can't wait to see how this plays out
I HAVE A PIGEON IN MY JACKET.
Do you think she will like "you don't have to swallow this time" gift certificates for Xmas?
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
If you wondered to yourself today, "did Sarah break her bathing suit strap and flash a pool full of children," the answer is yes.
I don't remember... but puking on the bar sounds like me.
I'm in the middle no shirt white shorts humping the white dustbuster next to the guy shooting off the tazer infront of the two guys humping on the bicycle
Yeah, tell that to my thumb. Cause it was up my ass all night waiting for you.
What does it say about my expectations if I'm pounding three beers the hour before a date?
and then at some point during the night I ended up holding a baby
Why was a baby at a karaoke bar, and were you wasted?
only slightly. thats not the point. it was a cute baby.
Well someone is clearly not winning the parent of the year award here
I'm hoping you were seen by someone holding a frozen turkey at 230 in the morning
FINE YOU CAN EAT HOT WINGS WHILE WE HAVE SEX
I had a dream last night that I met Diplo. Now I'm just sad
So, I gotta figure when the nurses at the emergency room noticed my new hair cut it means I'm there too often, right?
That's because I've spent the past 21 years convincing my parents the only emotions I have are sarcasm and bitterness.
Randomize
