I think I know how big ted kennedy's penis is.
I have a scary feeling my mom might switch her goals from finding me a husband in 2012 to sending me to rehab
As long as I don't spend the half the week passed out/fucked up on Klonopin and no one dies, this will be the best week I've had all semester.
It's a strange mix of shame and pride every time I pee at the bar and still see my lipstick on the bathroom wall...
The second time he came it projectile shot in my ear
We were in a spooning position and it shot all the way up. He was like sorry. Physics.
No it's only my right leg that feels like it's about to fall off. The left is fine.
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
Yeah, nothing like barfing into a grocery bag you just put dog shit into.
Gramp just called her sex-on-a-stick. AKA HE CALLED HER A WHORE. My 75 year old grandfather just called your ex's new thing a whore.
My moral compass cannot be waived by two measly bloody Mary's
i keep replaying things i did last night. and remembering new things. and its a constant cycle of torture
like, by the end of my shift people were asking if I'd sobered up enough to take a drink order yet. that bad.
Ask him to BK for an ice cream cone and do him in the car. That counts as a date
sarah's view on last night: a threesome to make things less awkward. oh, well done.
Hungover at Subway, watching a business guy try to squeeze his way past my car to get into his. Bitch shouldn'ta parked over the line.
You truly are a temple of morality.
I am the night, I am justice, I am currently watching the fat biz guy pay a frat boy to back his car up for him so he can get in.
Randomize
