Nothing says "You're all grown up now" like setting up your 401k with shitty underwear.
All i remember as you were making ramen is that you kept slurring "i like you as a color"...
I don't know why girls would even talk to someone as drunk as I was.
I SWALLOWED her nuva ring. Please tell me how your night could have been worse.
I had a dream about a turtle sitting on top of a horse skull. I'm certain its a symbol for my dead sex life. Trust me.
Please call me back as soon as your phone is charged, if you die tonight I don't want the last thing I said to you to be "I just farted a little"
Im pretty sure it started going awry when I asked their mom "How much would it cost me to sleep with your daughters"
Turns out, his fucking is as lame and staggered as his NFL career.
I had so much drainage I couldn't moan properly. Fuck allergy season
This is like the best thing that's ever happened to us. We're getting paid to sit around get high and eat. There is a Jesus
Omg just opened my passenger side door and my outfit from last night is on the floorboard.
He stopped me in the middle of a blow job to call his grandma for her birthday.
At least he has family values.
I feel like there's def a learning curve to the sex swing
How do I tell this guy that if he does not like the condoms at my apartment, he should bring his own without sounding like a sure thing?
Say it's BYOC night at the beach. And, you are a sure thing. Own it.
sometime during the night he found me in the empty hotttub singing marvins room in only my bra.
Randomize