i just sat at a stop sign for 10 minutes waiting for it to turn green. i need to STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT.
so when am I gonna get some from you?
when you dick grows 3 inches
i just saw a guy carrying a medieval times commemerative glass filled with vomit.. there were 2 people cheering him from behind
Woke up with a migrane, threw up blood, then my headache went away. I'm going to convince myself that it was just a bad batch of blood so I can drink again tonight
She's grinding on a deaf black man and I'm the interpreter.
on the way home I asked you what exit we get off at and your answer was "just like the goldfish"
He kept falling asleep with the pizza in his hand. I woke him up and told him and he was shocked because he thought he ate it all. Then he would end up falling asleep and we'd repeat the whole process again.
official rule: if your drunk, it doesn't count
then nothing in my life counts
I just dried my bra with your hair straightener because the drier is broken again.
I'm ready to run through the streets naked yelling "HES ALIVE!"
at that point, I wouldn't blame you because I'd be so ashamed I couldnt even have sex with myself.
I'm literally about to create a tinder account. Just so someone drives me to get food.
All I remember was you telling him there was something behind him so he would turn around and you could slide down his carpeted stairs on your belly without a shirt on. How's that carpet burn btw?
how goes living off caffiene and alcohol?
i may have recently shit my pants. on two separate occasions.
I've started recycling nudes. Why should I take new pictures for every single man?
Randomize