Like worst hickies ever he always gives them like wtf
Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
I just want you to know I tipped the cab driver $10 last night because I felt bad that he didn't have healthcare.
my mom found me this morning spread out like jesus sleeping on the living room floor. i had a piece of bread over my eyes to block the light out
I had fun. Till he melissa etheridged my ass and came to my window.
Me+graduation party+hammered drunk+polish horseshoes in the dark= black eye, crying, pissed, passed out in my dress... How was your weekend?
There's still flour in my hair. And I don't even want to know what the neighbors think happened infront of my house.
Just warning you now f you do not get intoxicated with me in front of the family on thanksgiving we are not related.
Leave the bottle at home cause either way I'm not taking another shot. You have no idea how long it took me to compose this text free of grammatical error.
Gold star for you, but I'm on my way and the soco is buckled in next to me. This is happening.
I forgot if I was chewing my gum or my tongue
So, we estimated there is at least 40 pounds of boob in our house.
Well I'll be shitfaced all day the 4th in honor of this great nation... but I'm down for drunken camping/nature fucking on the 5th
Jesus, I think this onesie was designed to keep me from masturbating.
It's nice out. . But after I almost put a bag of chips in the microwave to make nachos. ..I figured it best to not venture too far from the couch
You're like the fucking Mozart of sexting.
Randomize
