There's people holding up abortion signs everywhere. I guess the people of Florida want you to remember you fucked up on Spring Break.
5 out of the 6 of them cut their hands while trying to shot gun the beer, I had never seen balls attached to such patheticness
whatever a "slut portfolio" is, mine is apparently almost complete
I know I'm her Sunday school teacher. I just feel I would be saving others from a lot of headaches by telling her someday she's going to be a stripper
I asked for a dramatic "funeral" look for my makeup. They judged me.
Did you leave a blizzard on my porch last night? Or was that someone else giving out a metaphorical threat to me?
Got laid last night using the intro line of "rate your hurricane evacuation plan on a scale of 1-10"
thank you for being a reason not to completely check out of my life and start sleeping all day, crying all night, and living off vodka acquired through credit card debt
you never know what sharing a kayak could lead to
It's true
my talents include tricking people into giving me money and free drugs
if you guys find pieces of my teeth don't throw them out please
Thou shall not get drunk and hit bitch cup in pong and take shirt off while wearing a see-through lace bra again
He asked me if I want to play Uber Driver, is this some new sex game or is he drunk and asking for a ride home?
He’s actually a personal trainer. He said he hasn’t taught yoga in a while but the stripper prefers to introduce him as a yoga teacher
I just convinced a telemarketer I live in a tree.
What did he say?
He still asked if I want a home security system.
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