got some bad news about ur virginity. she didnt make it thru the night
So they call this "a walk of shame" but fuck that...this walk is fantastic. What kind of debbie downer came up with that name?
I knew things were bad when I walked in on you feeding juice to your iPhone
I know you're on vacation but you should know I just walk of shamed through a hotel lobby while leaving a threesome on Friday the 13th. Fuck superstition, I win.
It sounds like drunken magic sprinkled w narcotics
All I've done for this 11 hour car ride is kegel and listen to our sex playlist so your dick better be good and ready
is there a way to say "yea i broke my wrist cause i fell down some stairs while tripping my face off on acid" without actually saying it?
I woke up with a thorn in my belly button. A THORN!
So my roommate just came out of the shower with a dude...guess that answers all questions as to whether or not he's gay
Not as great as when your drunk mom grabbed my junk, but better than when your sober grandma sacktapped me and grabbed my butt.
went back to my college bar last night. Bar tender doesn't remember my name but remembers me as margarita girl...I'm not even mad though
Did this whole conversation happen while you were shitting?
I just gave myself a foot massage. #SingleAsFuck
How did the surgery go?
My face feels like a marshmallow.
This is the third time I have overheard parents tell their children "don't be that girl" in reference to me. I'm either doing something horribly wrong or amazingly right
Randomize
