so when we got to the frat house he had a travel sized toothpaste and toothbrush for me and gave me a pair of his shorts and a girl's sorority t shirt...something tells me he's done this before
He came in looking for condoms, iced coffee, and a gas tank. I need to be where he's going.
It's like the only way I know how to apologize is by giving a blow job.
Apparently I was pointing at birds and yelling "YOU USED TO BE A DINOSAUR!!!"
I am literally the only girl who can black out and wake up pantsless and STILL be 99% sure I didn't get any.
nothing like a call from your drunk grandpa at midnight on a wednesday to ask your parents if you're registered to vote...
Are you doing trivia tonite? Also sorry I peed on you.
So they found him after the wedding still dressed up in his feather boa and top hat passed out in a bush...
Plus he stuck it in when you were sleeping which would have been the tipping point for me but you art school kids are all liberal and shit
I may quit my job to go be a costumed Jedi at Disneyland.
Sorry for all the snapchats, I wanted you to feel like u were in America getting plastered with me
i just has to use a gift card to Target that one of my students parents got me to buy Plan B bc my bank account is -$0.08 so my 2017 is starting exactly how i pictured.
just saw a kid waiting at the door of the stairs for the elevator. there is no elevator in this building. get on his level.
They told him he could only pay in monopoly money and he pulls out a wad of it from his pocket... i think im in love
might I remind you I fucked a 21 year old and almost did coke with strangers? you definitely came out on top
Randomize
