Get over here. It's an emergency. Just realized I haven't hd my mouth on a penis in two weeks. Get over here.
Found a beard hair in my crotch.... care to explain?
Cancel that soberness update. I just almost fell down in the security line
Omg no. We ate a raw pumpkin last nighr. We dipped it in BBQ sauce.
I will be going to walgreens soon.. nothing says trainwreck like pickin up a scrip for xanax at 2am drunk..
Don't use or open the microwave. It's full of smoke. Buying a new one tomorrow, will explain.
I have a rash on my arm from the cat litter. Think the cat will be mad that I peed in its box?
We set around a table in a hotel room and he spoon fed Molly to everyone there... I felt sketch for sec but then... Oh well.
Just put me in your contacts as coyote
So, Cheetos don't microwave great.
That moment when a stripper is the one that makes the two of you have to define the status of your relationship...
Not a problem, sailor. I speak both autocorrect and typo.
If anyone needs me I'll be in the bathtub, eating fast food and shooting straight vodka while I seriously evaluate my life choices and cry.
There's even glitter on my cock...
Soon to be ex is nowhere to be found. Her attorney/new BF just showed up. 30 minutes late looking hungover. Pretty sure I'm getting the kids AND the house!
Randomize
