i know we just met, but i forget your name, and i'm wondering why my penis burns?
Bigbird is at the bar Im at. whats her name
No matter how drunk I am, I will take the time to wipe a pube off the toilet seat.
I'm watching CSI, they found semen in the woman's ear.
Guess she heard her killer coming
god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
Vanessa Carlton's songs would be so much better if she was pretty
It is 3am. I'm at a pizzeria with my 4 friends. The one to my right is throwing up on herself, the one to my left is crying hysterically by herself, the one in front of me is passed out on the table, and the other is trying to find a taxi and I'm pretty sure a guy is sticking his hand up her skirt. Tourists are taking pictures. Help me.
Its not personal, its just business. I'm the Donald Trump of blowjobs.
I just finished spraying the foam party off my pumps with a garden hose
I want to share a beverage of the alcoholic category with you, but I'm conflicted about getting out from under my covers.
WHY DO I KEEP FINDING CHICKEN THROUGHOUT THE HOUSE? GET YOUR ASS HOME NOW!
If I get a 4.0 I am doing SO much cocaine.
I woke up in an ill fitting childs tutu this morning and the shower curtain is knocked down. Wtf happened?
I said "one day" and that day is not today
If I had a dollar for every functioning brain cell you had I would owe someone a lot of money
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