I just passed one of the bars and saw my mom kissing another woman. This can't be good....right?
Knowing your life, probably not.
I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
I found my crush's facebook page. And his wife's. Apparently they are still in love. Of all the people to have happy marriages! Fuck, I'm depressed.
hey you forgot your wet suit in my room you can come grab it whenever
She just tried to snort granola up her nose but its ok she's not bleeding.
Too high to move please buy hi-c and pour it in my mouth in exchange I will marry your first born child
He unbuckled his belt, tipped his hat at me, then told me to "saddle up"
this is like your 5th cowboy right? where do you keep finding these guys?!!
Come make me food. I feel like if I go in the kitchen I will just get Gin.. and pass out in there.
Confirm that you received these messages so that I know you feel the agony of my vagina. There is such a thing as "too many penises".
I mean, except for the part where I was vomiting up pineapple and hot sauce, it was a really fun time.
The only people who will bring me pizza or tacos want a commitment and I'm hungry for food not their love.
We just had sex in the shed while having a conversation about cheeseburgers...so that's how my day is going
Honey...this isn't my 20's. This is my 30's. I paid for this house and these expensive ass sheets to fuck in them. Get your ass over here.
Quit being awkward towards me every time the group is together. They're going to figure out we're fucking.
I was dressed as Waldo and the cops kept saying looks like we fuckin found you
Randomize
