Well all I remember is going to sleep being big spoon to you and waking up being little spoon to *****
You know the commpass Jack Sparrow has? The one that just points at whatever you want? Thas pretty much my moral compass.
She went to the bathroom before i broke up with her so i changed all 2500 of her songs on her computer to "I'm a cheating whore"
I have a new fascination with cutting really small segments of hair off peoples heads when they're not looking.
my bartender licked my nipple. never stay after hours
No. No, there is no forgiveness for this. The only way I'm forgiving you for this is if you somehow convince your sister to have sex with me. In her car.
I have hit nutritional rock bottom I am spreading peanut butter on to lays potato chips
She's got a butler. A fucking butler. Shes like batman, but with a better ass.
Also, if someone could cut me off before im rolling around the yard pantsless with a 40 year old lesbian that would be awesome.
You know it's a good Halloween party when a guy wearing a light-up sombrero offers you blow.
Sounds like either a very good Friday night or a very bad Saturday morning.
Uhmmmm is there really any way to tactfully ask "you into me jerking you off with my feet... or nah" cause if you find one let me know 😂
I didn't even know we were hiding from the cops, I was just playing with the cats. People kept telling me to be quiet the cops are here and I was like DID YOU SEE THIS CAT!?
he came over last night and we fucked with the great british baking show on in the background. it was beautiful
I hear my roommate snoring and I feel bad for his girlfriend but then I hear them having sex and I guess it all works out in the end.
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