I'm sitting here watching a kid lick a basketball- where have i gone wrong in life?
Kanye's agent is the only person whose job sucks worse than mine.
How does, "Im sorry I was such an intoxicated bitch, I didn't mean anything I said" sound as an apology.
The last two calls in my phone are dominos and 911. I'm not sure how my night went.
aparently i pased my english final. I don't even remember taking it.
Theres a fat guy wearing a speedo. Someone just got puked on, and didnt even react. Whats happening?
Wow. This hand sanitizer smells awesome. It's like I just gave a handjob to a fruit basket.
If man night ends at some point, hit me up and let me prove my vagina still exists.
I'm sorry, the person you're trying to reach is WAYYY too high to deal with this right now.
I snuck out of his room and his roommate stopped me to tell me there was a condom stuck to my back
So now I know what having sex while surrounded by chickens feels like.
i just want to die with dignity and clean teeth, is that too much to ask?
should i be that dick who brings a carpet in an uberpool
Why are you moving a carpet?
it's unimportant
By 9 pm this evening I'll have accomplished smashing with two different guys in two different time zones in the same day.
Stay hydrated
Woke up at 5am in an elevator... Pretty much tells you how my weekend went.
Randomize
