I was being carried out of the bar, but then my friend saw Pat who just got kicked out scaling the wall to sneak back in, so he carried me back in, sat me on the bar stool, and the bartender just let us all keep drinking.
Being persistent has its perks my friend.
I'M GETTING MARRIED!
YOU'RE STILL MARRIED!
and honestly a story about how you met your future husband that DOESN'T include the words "creeped him on facebook" is really not a story worth sharing
I love how my cats smell like pot.
She left scratches down my back from her wedding ring. Her husband seems like a nice guy though, judging by the scratches it had to be at least a carat.
I'm tangled in a fishing net down at the harbor. This has nothing to do with Captain Morgan. Bring wirecutters.
Well I consider my vagina a dear friend. She treats me good I treat her good. We work together. Glad we could be of service.
dude to be honest with you there is a used condom that ive just left on my floor for three days
you have got to get your shit together
As your attorney I advise you to rage rapidly
Seriously I'm dying. All my insides are fighting their way out of me. With light sabers and machetes.
He sent me a pic stitch collage of all the tit pics I had sexted him this month. It was so sweet!
Should probably stop going into the gas station to look for the most normal person to hitch a ride with to drive me to a party
When he's drowning in your chest and he muffles out the words 'I just want to live here' that's a compliment right?
p.s i need to stop drunk texting my mom. she brings up text convos all the time and i have no idea what shes talking about...
I suppose writing him up is more professional than keying his car.
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