Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
the sex wasnt even worth changing my sheets
I just snuked. Sneezed and puked
Just an FYI: The offer for you to come snow blow my driveway in return for sexual favors is still on the table
nothing says 'im willing to leave my comfort zone for you' like letting you choke me during sex
It's ok for me to have his baby but I can't be his friend on fb. Wth is wrong with this
Tequila ran out around 11 so she let them do body shots of chips and guacamole instead
i asked him to talk to me in french while we fucked and halfway through i caught the word 'lasagna'. turns out he was making his grocery list.....i asked him to keep going.
Watching Rudolph while stoned is practically a religious experience.
It's ok, it's locked within patented Sealrite technology. That puke is staying fresh
Imagine the quality of nudes you could send with a selfie stick
Guy just walked into the bathroom with only socks on and took a 5second shit. It is taking me longer to type this than for him to shit, wash hands, and leave the bathroom. WTF? Still wondering why he only had socks on.
Saw a thong on the yellow lines of the street when I left this morning, are they yours by any chance?
I could have sworn that I went home last night... but judging from the couch I just woke up on, apparently not.
Hi darlin, what are you doing tonight?
.... Things I will not be proud of
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