I can only name 15 people I've had sex with - can I just start claiming that as my sex number?
Don't worry about later. I already pre-ordered a pizza for a 1:45 delivery and told them to ignore any calls from your number.
You're getting good at this, you know that?
I just sat in the Taco Bell drive-thru waiting for a trash can to take my order. Yes, that high.
Apparently I'm the guy that didn't get the memo that Afliction and wifebeaters were the proper attire for tonight... so I'll just sit here alone in my sweatervest and be judged.
I think I should just go up to him and say, "before I invest time in this could I just take a look at your penis?"
We need to stop celebrating holidays that dont belong to us
I know I'm her Sunday school teacher. I just feel I would be saving others from a lot of headaches by telling her someday she's going to be a stripper
I swear 95% of pictures on my phone are from drunken nights I don't remember with me doing a peace sign alone in somebody's bedroom.
Weed is now completely legal in Colorado and Washington. I repeat weed is now legal! I'm putting a deposit down on a house as we speak.
ROADTRIP.
I told her I wanted to use him as a chew toy while simultaneously licking his face.
Did she tell him? And if so, was he cool with it? If yes, date him, date the fuck outta him.
Eating a grilled cheese at a strip club... good idea??
My roommates said duck dynasty was stupid ... toto i don't believe we're in kansas anymore.
I accidentally told my mom I broke my drug nail this weekend
I just met a drunk old lady with a bedazzled life alert alarm around her neck. I love casinos
I didn’t want to see that boob. I told her not to show me but she said “no, I’m going to show you”
Randomize
