Same, I didn't even get to be tarzan this summer
you yelled "you will never make love to jesus" and then ran into the tv.
the fucking easter bunny is here. he just made 3 cups in a row. no one knows who he is..
Chillin with my Grandpa and my grandma tells us there is a tornado warning. My grandpa then says "We'll go hang out in the basement, we can bring the keg with us." This is why I love coming home
He got mauled by a 200lb cement boulder and all he could say in the back of the ambulance is 'I'm so getting laid for this'
The forecast for tonight is alcohol and low expectations.
You're the only meteorologist I listen to.
Sometimes I get in situations where I realize they think I'm smarter than I am and then it's just one more thing I have to fake.
I'm about to be a big disappointment.
Nah I've been there. The worst you'll see is some hobo peeing in a sewer at 3 am on a Saturday
I got drunk by myself and ended up listening to Beethoven in the dark.
when my phone is in portrait view you can just assume i've been watching porn. that's the only thing i want to see in full view.
I JUST GOT WOKEN UP TO HIM PISSING ON ME SAYING "IT HAS TO HAVE WATER TO GO TO THE BATHROOM" AND AFTER HE FINISHED HE DIDNT REMEMBER DOING IT
Accepting his friend request would be the Facebook equivalent of pity sex.
your marriage is hazardous to my nightlife
yea, mine too.
he's spending the night tonight. if i can walk straight tomorrow i'll be pissed.
I went to steal condoms from your room and all I could find was chik fil a sauce
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