and you tried to get a free burrito from Potbelly's
I just deleted all the drug dealers from my phone, I guess this is growing up
she's telling me all about the love triangles of her sims. you tell me how it's going.
Still not exactly sure how i unbolted your toilet from the ground.
I woke up with glitter in my wounds.
I got kicked out of the bar for suggesting that the bartender drop her tits into my Redbull instead of the usual liquor
My roommate has gone Christmas crazy. It looks like Jack Frost came all over my living room. Wanna come fuck me in the fake snow by the fireplace?
I can't wait till they start promoting the testiciplasty. Turn those old prunes into fresh tight kiwis!
dude, my hangover is telling me there was tequila involved
I'm gonna take a nap by the fireplace and pretend like I know what day it is.
I found the crust to my pizza under my covers that's cool
I put in a tampon while driving a moving vehicle. I feel like this is simultaneously a new low and the sort of feat that deserves a merit badge.
i got kicked out of the casino for drunken disorderly conduct because i kept stumbling into old people and one of them told on me. as the boucer was taking down my information so i could no re-enter i ripped my id out of his hands while yelling fuck you.
Note to self: dont wear a butt plug for several hours and then go gym and try and do squats
I think drunk me saved him in my phone as "beautiful man" to play a joke on sober me
Randomize
