i just pooped in tubberware. not a proud day
it was so cute when you were pretending to have willpower
Just saw a girl i'm pretty sure is simultaneously jailbait and a milf. I never want to leave mexico.
And there I was, sitting Indian style on the kitchen floor, my fingers covered in peanut butter.
I kept trying to give you water and you kept spitting it back at me. You looked like a camel. People were staring
The bruises are from paintball. The money is from me being awesome
She just locked herself in the bedroom with an unopened bottle of wine and a steak knife. Unfortunately for her fingers, I stopped giving a fuck two hours ago.
This tiny Canadian guy just tipped me $20, a piece of gum, and a joint. I wasn't working. He literally tipped me for talking to him.
Dude. If I met a dinosaur right now. we'd totally be on the same page. Brainwaves and shit.
The cop asked you after the breathalyzer what you think you blew and you very discreetly shouted "I'm pretty sure i blew Kyle on the way here "
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
HEY. NO. THIS IS ABOUT YOU RIGHT NOW. YOUR COCK, MY MOUTH, THATS IT.
You should feel special! You're also the only person I've ever punched during sex
In all the years we have had drunk sex, have we ever done it in a bed?
Wait. How did I get engaged last night?
Randomize
