if i found out she had a dick after i got head, does that still make me gay?
Come 10 years my vagina won't look like this. I must cherish it
i pounded out a 17-yr-old on saturday night
no, that is not a typo
i turned her down on fri night, googled the state consent laws & then caved on saturday
Woke up on the floor with my glow stick in one hand & dollar bills in the other. Good. Morning.
I just called my cat a slut and she responded. Proudest moment ever.
He just said "fuck you" to the bowl he's eating things out of
She sucks dick like Beethoven on piano, but talking to her is like Simple Jack in Tropic Thunder. Still working out the pros vs cons list.
If anyone could figure out how to pee on someone's soul, it would be you.
You always know what to say to make me feel better.
Just saw a guy I fucked in a clown suit in the bar. It's not Halloween. I have got to start making better life decisions.
Who are you, and why are you in my phone as Elf on the Shelf
I don't care if we're married you can't just walk into the bedroom with a pizza box expecting to get laid
Going to the ER, I'll explain later but apparently drunk me isn't allergic to peanut butter.
I'm gonna guess ur still high cus last night at like 3am my pillows were morphing into cats and I kept trying to pet them
It's a beautiful day to be high as fuck
You're the only person I know who would go to New Jersey to give a blowjob and I have so much respect for you for it
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