just woke up with an anonymous loaf of bred in my bed and a piece in my mouth. this says alot about my life.
She told me that she had to rub her face against me because she was part cat.
you're in nursing school, now tell me what to do about a burned clit.
Been considering the feasibility of adopting a kangaroo. Yes I'm very serious. And yes I'm very high.
Easy for you to say! His first impression of you isn't the drunk girl in a turtle costume who got hit by a car!
I forgot not everyone drinks wine out of the bottle. My grandma just asked if i needed a glass with a disappointing look.
he doesn't even text me anymore.. he just facebook chats me a shark emoticon which has turned into code for 'be naked at my house in 15 mins'
Mom chose Thanksgiving to tell me the reason I am here is because she was too tired to give my dad a BJ and too drunk to make him pull out.
And I'm bringing my coffee cup of wine.
I have a terrible feeling that I made out with a fraternity last night
Mark my words I will never date another cop again. I don't care if he's JESUS.
I think God is sending me all these 20 year olds to make up for wasting my 20's in that crappy ass marriage. Thanks Big Guy!
She just started crying. With my dick still inside her. Something about her grandpa.
i just want to die with dignity and clean teeth, is that too much to ask?
It was like mission impossible.
but with sex.
Randomize