Goal for tonight: Make one last drunken mistake for the semester.
ive never been actively dumping during the pledge of allegiance before today...
I'm sorry I didn't make it out, I got distracted by sparkley boobies.
anyone who says having children is the best experience of their life obviously has never seen a vending machine carry vodka in Capri sun pouches.
Bro, she used the potato bongs to make French fries after. She's deff a keeper.
FYI: telling a guy his dick is more impressive than you remembered it - they don't take it as a compliment.
Just called a girl a cunt over peanuts. I think we both know it wasn't just about the peanuts.
She was rubbing her face on the carpet, she was high.
Just used my eyelash curler to open a bottle of cider...
I just scored a new eye doctor and a date all in one email. BOOM!
well I didn't shave for the hot dilf I banged last week so I'm sure as hell not shaving for you. Sry
We just had a contest for who has less of a gag reflex...I am sad to admit that my mother won.
He howled at the moon then told me that if i were a dog he'd have sex with me...either i look like that girl or i need to stop going on blind dates. Period.
Newest quarantine problem - I’ve watched all of the porn. Like everything on the the internet, all the DVDs, mags, VR, leisure suit Larry all of it and I’m still horny af
Soon to be ex is nowhere to be found. Her attorney/new BF just showed up. 30 minutes late looking hungover. Pretty sure I'm getting the kids AND the house!
Randomize
