No. I broke it. Note to self, never take a shower with your phone in your pocket.
Best look from Detroit today: running across the street with your buttcheeks on display carrying a 40 oz. Or maybe being crazy-pregnant and screaming and slamming a pay phone. Toss up.
You know how I know it's Spring Break? I just passed a car with "South Padre bound" shoe polished on the back. The driver was blatantly drinking a roadie and getting road head.
You kept excitedly announcing to the bar what time it was. Followed by an equally excited "Clock language still makes sense!"
I chased a girl up a staircase screaming because she had a cardboard cut out of James Dean which, at the time, I believed to my friend being held against his will
For some reason there are two like 10 year old black girls crumping at the bar. I feel like I'm in a missy elliot video.
Hold on, I gotta pump breast milk for the white russians.
This guy just told me he wanted to bathe in bong water with me and then tried to lick my nipple through my bra. This could be love.
I'm being an old woman and getting trashed in a night gown in public...of course it's going to be fun
You know I told you about that hammering at 3 AM yesterday? Turns out it was Holly beating the lock out of her door with a mallet because she'd forgotten her keys.
Doesn't she keep a spare?
Drunk Holly doesn't listen to Sober Holly's plans.
4:37 am. You're wearing underwear and carpet skates. Borderline crying. You want to punch Morgan. Have not stopped singing Give Your Heart a Break.
I'm so annoyed. We're about to buy groceries for the week and at this point I'm hoping to sustain myself on pure alcohol.
Meeting him up for him to pay half of the Plan B was awkward but worth it cause I'm broke as fuck
I just want to be like "i dont know you but ive seen your penis & i like it"
my gyno just used the expression "dick around." too far?
Randomize
