Your an asshole
Actually, it's "you're an asshole"
My point exactly
Nick had a break down & said to me "Everybody's mad at me, I'm the douchebag, Im the fucking douchebag that everyone hates, Do you wanna come home with this douchebag?!"
You're going home with him aren't you?
I'll see ya in the morning when I leave his house
I googled "I hate my uterus" just to make sure I wasn't the only one.
is 1am too late, or too early to make bacon?
I would do laundry with you but I vaguely remember swallowing all my quarters last night as some kind of trick.
Yeah, but there's no serving sizes for dick.
i'm sick of coming in second next to bourbon.
Absolute soulmates or functional alcoholics?
Can't be the first without the last
Dude. My cat just tried to bat the tampon string hanging from body. NOT COOL, SEYMOUR. NOT COOL.
You aren't going to like my movie choice because it's a Disney movie, but I am cordially inviting you to the couch for blowjobs.
I may have to marry her. She is smarter than me and has a six figure job and doesn't want to have kids. All I have to be is a trophy husband.
He challenged me to a drink off, I couldn't just say no. It was a matter of pride really.
And as he was cursing your name from the bathroom you were ordering yourself another drink on his tab. The poor bastard had no clue you were a pro drunk
GOT MY PERIOD AND AN INTERNSHIP OFFER THIS IS A WONDERFUL DAY
He has an accent, blue cross AND gainful employment. Just saying, he's going to urgent care once I'm done with him
We were getting breakfast he shit himself in the middle of ihop. Mid bite he just yells out o fuck.
Randomize
