Blackberries need to come with a feature that disables texting to certain numbers after 2am based on content. liek disabling texting to 'dad' containng the words 'lets try to find more blow.'
What do you think that old couple was thinking when they saw me puking in the QT parking lot at ten in the morning?
Oh. They ARE dating. Kinda sad. Have such an urge to be a huge bitch and steal him but my morality is in the way. FUCK YOU MORALITY.
Guess who is high enough to buy Jingle All The Way?
Something strange is happening to me, I think I miss hooking up with girls sober
He is the one I "technically" lost my virginity to.
I feel like you never had a virginity..
Boob shaped ice luge is ordered for my bday. Boom
I can't even drink.
The liquor comes out the nipples. Out. The. Nipples.
I just want a teacup pet pig so I can take him to parties with me and never have to walk home alone again.
He went snooping and now he's all intimidated by my super amazing box of sexy time toys.
Please stop calling it that.
It's not your birthday unless mom picks you up at the bar
Costco (TM). Making alcoholism affordable!
First Peyton Manning retires, and now the most interesting man in the world is retiring for Dos Equis. This is the worst week of my fucking life.
I love that we can live in a world where I can Google "Harry Potter lizard" and an illustration for my dream pops up
I had sex with two guys in one day. One on my grandma's couch, one on a golf course. This is the greatest post-surgery accomplishment I could ask for.
Of course his biggest mistake was assuming that I ever gave a fuck to begin with.
Randomize
