I told him it was like a man's penis, but smaller.
All the good ones are taken. All that's left is the Harry Potter geek or the asshole in the corner. I think I'll settle for Harry Potter.
Im at a party and this guy hitting on me just showed me his 'caution choking hazard' tattoo right above his penis. There goes any chance he had of getting laid tonight.
So I heard you only slept with me because you were drunk...is that true?
That depends on who this is.
"I never want to have to say, 'Please don't squirt me with your breast milk' again.
He dumped me and I don't wanna fuck his best friend for revenge. Is this what maturity feels like?
True. On an unrelated note I helped post bail for both of our ex girlfriends last night. Russian roulette: guess which one is pregnant?
Note to self: don't tell your girlfriends dad you can have his daughter in bed by ten and home by midnight. He doesnt find it funny
I smell like icyhot and vodka... Heres to my pulled tendon.
Don't act like you're not jealous that I disappeared into the closet to blow my husband. Marriage = all the cock I want.
In last nights drunken stupor i apparently purchased a luxury travel package for two to Australia. So uh...get a passport and clear your schedule for next month
Seriously. I'm like, "Wait, we are actually talking about physics in the middle of sex and its ACTUALLY erotic because you're so fucking intelligent I'm turned on?"
I feel like I don't show you my boobs enough. And you deserve to see them like all the time
Do you remember telling the Uber driver that "his cologne makes you want to bone"?
I have betrayed my no carb ways & I can feel it.
Embrace it. Come over to the dark side. I'll feed you muffins while stroking your hair.
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