I'm at a Mexican Walmart. Wish you were here.
So I was talking to her on the phone last night and had to mute it so I could take a crap.
Side Note: My mute button doesn't work.
Walked by a shop giving away free donuts this morning. Best walk of shame ever
There are pictures of you on the shoulders of some old guy dressed as borat
I asked if he wanted to come over and he said he was busy. Then I sent him a pic of me in the bath with the bottle of wine I already finished and all of a sudden he was free. Booty calls are too easy.
you are not my drinking buddy, you are my drinking enemy.
My addiction to golf is getting out of hand....I just caught myself swinging my dick like a putter while peeing.
Apparently I told a girl last night, that's she's super beautiful and I don't want to fuck she just deserves being eaten out
Got high with dad and hunted squirrels in the basement. Is this seriously what my life has come to?
the mexican frat downstairs started singing this mariachi song, then out of nowhere some dude busts out a trumpet and plays along. is this even real?
I told you in the isle if you get the one that vibrates that I masturbating with it. Your fault.
Bullshit. You owe me a toothbrush.
I received a sext from my girlfriend, and a deal for free chips and guacamole at chipotle at the same time. I have tasted heaven, and it is beautiful.
You want to know how I feel? I feel like Cady Heron pushed me in front of a bus last night.
Im looking at the faintest of claw marks right now. I just fell in love all over again.
just spent the last 20 minutes cleaning out the soap dispenser. fuck. me. adderall.
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