Call me Kermit cause I'm about to go piggin
there was some random girl that nobody really knew, standing in the corner trying to shave her armpits with a plastic butter knife.
I walked down to the adult beverage store and got two bottles of jim beam and s shooter of crwon black label because we didn't have any Tylenol
Fuck that must be a crazy sunburn.
Too lazy to get out of my bed thats 2 feet away from you. Are you sure youre alright?
Decided to go explore a half built apartment complex at 4 a.m and leave a 3 block obstacle course in the alley ways on the way home.
I heard you were walking home with taylor with your dress completely up and your ass exposed
Yeah, that sounds like my life.
Just realized Ive had sex in or around each thing listed in Green Eggs and Ham besides the fox.
I need to have some sort of hot sex experience in a mask.
I'm gonna rob all up in that cradle
I'm watching porn in spanish. Thats studying right?
Dude so last night I was eating out my gf and her kitten climbed onto my back and fell asleep. AND SHE DIDN'T NOTICE FOR LIKE 10 MINUTES
There is an unwrapped tampon, a condom, a rubber chicken and a slim Jim currently sitting on our dining room table.
I'm getting "congrats on your engagement" shots. I need to get engaged more often!
Had a dream last night that we survived the apocalypse. And we celebrated Christmas.
What did I get you?
A 12 gauge and a bottle of vodka that was waist high.
Sounds about right
But you''re still having sex with him. And a hobo convinced you to.
Randomize
