I shall celebrate this moment with a beer conveniently located in the sock drawer directly to the right of me.
So I realized I'm not completely sober when the automatic toilet flushed and I screamed
Monday: I just need a drink Tuesday: OMG no more this week! Wednesday: oh shit how'd I get drunk Thursday: I'm glad you've stopped the pretenses
It wasn't until like 4 and when we got off the phone you said god was summoning you back into the bar
Walked girl from last night to car as gf was driving up. Got slow clap from neighbors.
Why yes actually, getting stoned and reading an AARP magazine IS totally where I wanted my night to end!
He posted a picture from Senor Frogs. I don't remember where that bikini came from and my sombrero is PERPENDICULAR. Safe to say it was one hell of a day
Just caught myself trying to make grilled cheese with the stove off. I think my dad knows I'm high.
Then again I went over his house after not hanging out since kindergarten and tried to fuck him so maybe I'm partially to blame here
listen I need taco bell and an orgasm within the next hour. I'll leave the order in which you provide those things up to you
I really need to stop sending pussy pics if I'm going to be running for state representative in November
So the next time I search for "Dragon Dildo" on my phone, I should probably clear the browser before handing my phone to someone and that's the first thing they see haha
I just made deviled eggs for everyone not passed out. Im officially becoming a drunk chef.
God gave you your own nipples for a reason.
First day of school is awesome. I get to meet my students and figure out which of their mothers I’ I’m going to bang
Randomize
