I just realized i masturbated to the home shopping network. I either need to get a boyfriend asap, or a subscription to a porn website, or i just need to stop taking ambien
Just found out I have to work new year's eve. It's like one final 'fuck you' from 2009.
I've realized that you're the only friend i can rely on to drink with me any given day. i thank you for that.
just as they were cutting his pants off he made em stop & said "everyone knows about shrinkage right".
took 4 advil with a shot of vodka, figure i'd try to save myself now
My horoscope told me I'm getting laid tonight. Please don't make the stars be liars
You said your legs stopped working and then pulled yourself around the floor with your hands.
That explains the wood chips stuck in my nipples.
I had to have the guy I went out with last night come pick me up from the hotel the next morning after I ditched him for a firefighter..don't even talk to me about a walk of shame
I think I may have accidentally stepped in fire
I would agree. Whose business is it if I like to guzzle vodka by the liter on my of time? Answer: mine.
But he has cupcakes AND I'm guaranteed an orgasm. .. I feel like I shouldn't even have to actually make a decision here.
Can we smoke pot out of a menorah?
I know. I know. He'll be weekday dick.
You were filing your nipples with a nail file to "make them sharper"
Your Saturday night was spent at the opera, mine was spent exchanging naked pics with a hot middle aged man that is so ripped that he looks like he's photoshopped. This is why we're blood sisters. We balance each other out.
I hate you so hard.
Randomize
