Her mom drove me home after I blew a .13 So there I am wishing her mom a happy mother's day sitting in the passenger seat where I just banged her daughter 15 min prior
My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
i just lost my virginity over my 3 hour lunch break..
u hav a 3 hour lunch break?!
i like how the length of my lunch break is the thing that phases u
It's impossible to flirt with the bank tellers because they see how broke I am.
While we were having sex he told me "this is what you get for not parking my car right" I have never drove his car. He was that kind of weird.
In the middle of having sex, she said "if we continue, we're dating." I then pulled out and sat in the corner, naked. I deserve a Medal of Honor.
Just getting in the shower.... found a "great job" sticker stuck to my boob.
So how was your night?
Um, would you be up for dick jousting? Stefanie is willing to pay 40 bucks.
He gave me a beer, petted my head, and called me kiddo.
We were sitting outside of the building and he literally just walked up with no pants on. This is the best college ever
So do you want to be the old guy picking up a girl in a mini skirt who may be slightly buzzed before noon from college, or shall i walk over?
Ended up in some house where this dude has a $1200 leopard cat
Are you sure he's still you're boyfriend when you're sober?
Do you want to go soon I'm overthinking life and my butthole again
He was like the most intimidating looking guy you've seen in your life except he was really shittily doing the two step
Randomize
