Sooo, his balls are like... bigger than my head...
Sometimes, when I pour the powdered creamer in my coffee I like to pretend it's Colombian grade cocaine.
That's the kind of morning coffee a girl could welcome the day with.
its freezing days like this when i seriously consider littering to speed up the global warming processes.
her sex was completely horrible but her weed was great. imma ask her out again
I'm thinking we can stop tracking my sex life by the hotels I've hooked up in and instead use bar bathrooms I've gotten head in.
Its 6am and I'm sitting on the couch watching Clifford. Crying into my risotto because emily elizabeth helped the girl in the wheelchair get over her stagefright so she can win a trophy. Never drinking alone again.
Beer Popsicles are better in theory
Someone jacked my earrings off me or I threw em in the toilet again
I hate when that happens
4 girls bringing me taco bell. this is what dreams are made of.
We could be the people that go there! Shuffleboard n shit. Meet strippers.
You had me at shuffleboard and strippers
Happiness is the polar opposite of catching your dad watching holiday themed porn
Not much, just taking another sorting hat quiz while waiting for this porno to finish buffering
Wanna see if we can get cut off at bdubs again? The same hipster manager that is younger than us is working again
I'm so glad you haven't fallen off any more yachts
Hey so I got my period
Thank god I wasn't ready to deal with sober you for 9 months
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